Pelton and Chase

As I sat in the dentist chair this morning, the lovely dental hygenist, Dona (with one 'n') asks me about my children and then we get on the topic of her son, who is 23 and getting married in only 3 weeks, will not allow her to have control of the rehearsal dinner, the one thing she can be involved in planning. She said she has been to the restaurant several times to try the food, and by golly the ribs are the best ribs she's ever had. The soon to be daughter-in-law won't allow the ribs because they might get their nice clothes all dirty. Basically Dona (with one 'n') is an emotional wreck because it's her time to shine in the wedding planning.

So she gets on to cleaning my teeth and the conversation ends there because I refuse to make those guteral slobbery heavy tongue conversation sounds while she's spelunking around in my mouth. She starts to scrape, scrape, poke and scrape at my gums and the virtual blood bath begins. But Dona (with one 'n') stops, pulls back and says:

"Before I get too far into this I have to let you know more about myself. I have been doing dental work for 31 years with different dentists throughout the Sacramento area. Some people have labeled me over zealous when it comes to plaque and tartar. I'm going to go for it but if you have any major discomfort I'm willing to work with you and find a common happy place."

WHAT THE HELL.

So I just kind of smirk at her and gag "OK" . And she gets right back to scraping and poking and then decides I am making too many pained faces so she brings out the numbing topical ointment so that she can continue to excavate my front lower teeth out as she continues to tear at my plaque.

No, I do not floss as I should.

The numbing ointment only really numbed my tongue and lip. But that was not stopping Dona (with one 'n'). She decided to bring out the Dremel like tool that makes that aweful whiring, grinding sound. Nothing like making a girl feel like she has teeth as nasty as Frankenstein's monster. All I can do is focus on the light above me and wonder about Pelton and Chase, the makers of the light. Why did it take two people to invent that stupid light?

The whole time the crazed dental hygenist's stomach was growling in my right ear. Now I'm worried that she is famished, unable to eat while worrying over her rehearsal dinner planning fiasco, and it's making her a little more agressive than "Over Zealous Dona with One 'N'" should be. At this point drool or water or BLOOD are flowing out the right corner of my mouth and down my neck and into my hair. I wipe at it and she doesn't miss a beat reaching behind her to grab a paper towel for me while still grinding away at the "bad bacteria".

She finishes the cleaning, I survive. Thank God she handed me safety goggles to wear throughout the ordeal. I noticed more than one blood splatter on the lenses that could have, God forbid, landed in my eye.

Needless to say my teeth feel damn good and Dona (with one 'n') said the swelling should go down in two days.

Right now though, I am late for my blood transfusion. I think I only need a pint or two.