I Need a Wonder (Bra)

You know you've neglected yourself when the underwire in your bra has come out of the material and stabs you in the chest for weeks on end but you never take the time to go to the store and buy yourself a new one. Now, of course, I have more than one bra, but you see, there is a specific one I always wear. The one that does not show through shirts. The one that is comfortable. Well, not anymore. You know it's bad when the underwire on your bra that is sticking out of the material catches on the top bar of the side of the crib as you bend down to kiss a sweet baby good night. Not a good feeling when it twists everything (and I mean everything) in a direction it's not supposed to be twisted. But hauling three children to the store to buy a new bra would go something like this:

• Get to store, look for shady spot to park.
• Find no shady spot, choose sunny spot in the direction that you think would best benefit you in the end (hot steering wheel vs. hot car seat).
• Get out of car, open back and set up stroller.
• Fight with 3 year old about putting shoes on that you know were on when you left the house 15 minutes ago.
• Wrestle 3 year old out of car seat and allow only 2 smallish toys to tag along into the store.
• Place 3 year old and toys in near proximity to stroller at back of car.
• Walk to 6 year old's side of car. Find she is out of car with baby in arms, carrying him like a sack of potatoes somewhere near her knees.
• Imagine 6 year old dropping sack of potatoes onto boiling hot asphalt.
• Grab baby from 6 year old.
• Remember 3 year old at back of car near stroller, check to make sure she is still there.
• Realize you forgot to put on deodorant this morning.
• Remember that you have a cart cover for the store. Hand baby back to 6 year old and fold stroller up while keeping 3 year old in peripheral vision.
• Grab baby again before he slides to boiling asphalt.
• Grab diaper bag and cart cover, 3 year old hand and close back of car.
• Walk toward store, find blazing hot cart in parking lot. Consider using cart for children.
• Stop to dig keys out of diaper bag that were haphazardly dropped into Pocket of No Return before wrestling 3 year old out of car seat.
• Lock car.
• Get to store, find cart that is sort of clean.
• Tug on cart to dislodge from row of carts.
• Tug again.
• Hand baby to 6 year old.
• Yank like a mad woman until manager of store comes over and pulls cart from next row over.
• Fix hair, thank manager and throw diaper bag into back of cart.
• Pocket of No Return dumps all contents into bottom of cart.
• Baby sliding to floor.
• Yell at 6 year old to HOLD ON TO BABY.
• Grab contents of Pocket from cart and floor.
• Yell for 3 year old to come back.
• Situate cart cover and get baby from 6 year old and place baby into cart.
• 3 year old wants to ride in cart.
• Remove diaper bag from back of cart so 3 year old can not go through contents of bag.
• Hand diaper bag to 6 year old.
• 6 year old rolls eyes.
• Throw 3 year old into cart.
• 3 year old stands up.
• Sit down.
• Sit down.
• Sit down.
• SIT DOWN NOW.
• Thank you.
• Realize 20 minutes has passed and baby will need to eat in 10 minutes.
• Head for bra section.
• Approach bras, get sidelined by purses.
• 3 year old wants out of cart, heave 3 year old out of cart.
• 6 year old always obedient, walks next to you.
• 3 year old bolts for rack of clothes to hide in.
• Send 6 year old to get 3 year old.
• 3 year old screams bloody murder.
• Resort to treat bribery.
• Baby needed to eat 10 minutes ago.
• Baby starts to fuss.
• 3 year old hangs from cart bar, gets in baby's face and makes loud, obnoxious noises that make baby laugh, then wail.
• Find bra section.
• Realize you have no idea what size bra you wear after three babies and a bunch of ice cream.
• 3 year old runs around to next aisle.
• Yell for 3 year old to come back.
• Yell for 3 year old again.
• Baby starts to cry - harder.
• Ditch bras head for next aisle where 6 year old is now corralling 3 year old.
• Decide that maybe you will come later, when children are in bed.
• Grab 3 year old and heave back into cart.
• Shush baby.
• Head for car.
• Start digging for keys in Pocket of No Return at parking lot.
• Keep digging.
• Tell 3 year old to sit down.
• Sit down.
• Sit down.
• Sit down.
• SIT DOWN NOW.
• Thank you.
• Find keys and car.
• Open car, put 3 year old in seat.
• Throw shoes in car that 3 year old has removed again.
• Realize that 3 year old has lost toys in the store.
• Don't say anything to 3 year old, maybe she won't remember she took them in.
• Put baby in seat.
• Seat is on fire.
• Bad parking spot choice.
• Move cart to cart corral.
• Ask 6 year old to get in car.
• Get self in and start car.
• Realize 3 year old's seat belt is not fastened.
• Baby should have eaten 2 hours ago.
• Screaming baby.
• Get out of car.
• Go around car to 3 year old's side and fasten seat belt.
• 3 year old realizes toys are gone.
• Screaming 3 year old.
• 6 year old asks why you are sweating so bad when you get back into car.
• Pull out of parking spot.
• 6 year old screams that diaper bag is still in the cart.
• Throw on brakes.
• Jump out, grab diaper bag. And cart cover.
• Toss diaper bag and cover into passenger seat.
• Lose all items out of Pocket of No Return down passenger side, between door and seat.
• Wonder what is poking you in the chest and realize it is bra underwire.
• Race home to feed baby.

This is why I do not have a new bra. This is why I am still poked by the old bra. This is why I think having 3 children and shopping for myself do not mix. This is why I wonder why my husband still thinks I'm sexy.